Hi Friends,

I’m having a tough time with this and I hope you can help me.

As I do the following: Listen to incessant talking. Drive the children from one very important practice to another. Rush to fix dinner. Rush to clean up dinner. Complete homework. Aid in studying for tests. Supervise screen time, shower time, and bed time. My default emotion is anger.

I’ve read that anger is not a real and primary emotion. In fact, it is called a secondary emotion intended to protect said angry person from some other vulnerable feelings such as; feeling afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressure.

I have always chosen anger over crying. Anger just feels more comfortable to me. But then anger morphs into self-righteousness and ego.

In the course of a day I can honestly say I feel one or all of these emotions. To that point, I recently pulled back from my ever-stressful and mentally overwhelming corporate job. What a privilege, right? To be able to remove that which you think is the source of your stress. But still, anger is my default.

And sadly, it is usually focused on the kids. They aren’t listening. Now they are smirking. Is that eye rolling?

Anger

I am writing this because I have no answer, no conclusion, no nice little ending to how I resolved this feeling. Actually, I need some input.

I know I need input and help because the feeling I get the moment after my anger spills out all over them or him (Mr.) is shame.

And regret.

And more shame.

Shame that I didn’t say the things I needed to say in a different tone, in a different way, and at a different time.

Shame that I couldn’t pause long enough in that moment to let the anger pass.

It’s a funny thing raising these children. I see so much of myself through their eyes and sometimes I see I need to do better.

Some may say that just by recognizing that I want to do better is a testament to the fact that I am doing a good job. And, honestly, I know I am doing a good job. I do. My children are loved and cared for immensely.

So what I am looking for here is a mommy miracle, because raising children is intense and in a moment’s notice I can bite someone’s head off. I thought once I removed the stress of my career I wouldn’t be angry, but on some days it’s worse.

As I write this the sun is at my back and it is a perfect Fall day. Tears are streaming down my face. I’m out in a field typing away watching both kids at goalie practice. I am watching my beautiful, healthy children be coachable and teachable soccer players and I feel like a monster for screaming at them.

Being a woman who is aware of herself and those she loves can sometimes be a complete and total mind-f*ck.

And when my anger returns, I am praying I will pause before screaming. I will pray before reacting. I will stop and label my anger for the underlying cause and teach my children something new about how people, their parents, can change.