It’s amazing the difference a day, or a few days for that matter, can make in my skewed perception.

“I’m not happy.” I said sternly before we put the kids to bed. I said it to him, to myself, and it was about how I was feeling in that moment, not an assessment of my life as a whole. However, I knew how it sounded when it came out. It sounded like an assertion of my marriage. I let the words hang in the air, assuming they would be received with the same disinterest as much of my conversations had been of late. I fell asleep with my son, woke up 4:30am, and then went to bed with my husband. Since nothing keeps me from sleep, I don’t remember much before he set my coffee down next to me and wished me a good morning.

The day was like many of our days, school lunches and breakfast, work, school pick up with homework, dinner, sports, Girl Scouts, wind down, and bedtime. Somewhere in the evening after the kids were sent up to brush their teeth and we were waiting for the dogs to finish their last tour around the backyard, he looked at me. Like really looked at me. The corners of his eyes crinkled up as he smiled. He wrapped one very large strong arm around my waist, pulled me close, and said, “Are you happy?”

I looked straight back at him knowing his smile and tone. I had a sense that he was teasing me, but only because what I had said the night before sounded like it had so much weight.

“I mean, I just want you to be happy.” And then I knew he was teasing me.

“I’m happy. I wasn’t happy in that moment. There are days where I can be so lonely in this marriage and in this family filled with love. Part of that loneliness is my perception. Part of that loneliness is my inability to let you in when I need to. But part of that loneliness is from not being heard or seen when I need you to hear and see me.” He held me close, whispered something about wanting to “really” see me, and we laughed at our old married selves.

Every day since that day, he has called me from work and taken time to ask me about my day. Our days ramp up from work to responsibilities in a frenzy and even when we expect to have time to relax, those times is few and far between. Especially with Christmas being only one week away, five days away to be exact.

He called today just to chat. I know that I am loved. As much as I am willing to open up, he is willing to meet me on the other side. I know not everyone has this type of love, but I hope people seek it out. Because the mystery of a happy marriage is indeed still a mystery to me. What I do know is that I’ve always wanted what I have here with him.

The kind of love that knows you, loves you, and grows with you.

A love that is open enough for a mystery to unfold right in front of me.