My dear friends,

I woke up scared today. Scared. Self-doubt. Worry. I felt physically ill from being afraid . . . For months all I could think about is leaving my corporate life and adopting a new meaningful, loving life.  But, what if I couldn’t make it without this job?  What if I didn’t have anything else to offer?  Was I just lying to myself thinking I could be a writer?

I ran my tongue over my teeth.  It felt like they were moving.  Even in my sleep I seemed to worry.  Was I wrong to put so much pressure on my husband?  Would I ever be employable again?  Is this how all people feel before they let go of something that dominated so much of their life?  Or should I be smarter and stay where I’m at so I don’t feel this kind of worry?

Scared.

I wondered if my teeth were moving in my sleep?  My jaw popped as I shifted from sleep to awake.  Everything ached and I knew it was because I barely drank any water yesterday. Coffee with chai in the morning and then sugar-free Red Bull every few hours after that until the day was winding down.

I decided to quit the Red Bull. Being forty seven drinking Red Bull seemed weird anyway, like where’s the rush. Why did one person need so much energy?

My mind was betraying me.

You can’t do this . . .

You won’t make it . . .

You have nothing relevant to say, and even if you did, it’s a popularity contest to get this stuff read and you are not popular.

Grace. God, please grant me grace.

An unwarranted gift. Please help me to calm my mind and let the crazy go.

I felt so crazy. I did a mental checklist of my ailments, shifting teeth, dehydration, aching muscles, scattered thoughts.

What if the best I could do in life, I just resigned from? And even as I wrote that I couldn’t stand the way it sounded in my head. How can doing something that made  me miserable be something I should continue to do?

Was I really that miserable?

Was I just being a spoiled brat and to get out of working?

Who ever talked to me in that voice for me to think it is okay to talk to myself in that voice?

You’re stupid.

You’re lazy.

You’ll be a drain to your husband and your family.

I wished I could just go back to bed.

I’d never been a day sleeper though. Even when I felt this way. I knew that going back to bed would only create more thoughts, more worries. Especially this day. It was my husband‘s 44th birthday.

When he and I started his tree business, he worked hard to created something from nothing and he continued to do better each year. It made sense for me to want to build something of my own, follow my dreams of being a writer.

I felt like both right and selfish.

And suddenly, the kids were awake.

There was no more time for introspection.